To Those I've Hurt Before

Trigger Warning: self harm, suicide

I always wanted to would write about the difficulty of getting help, but I feel most guilty about this topic; I am crying and feeling so much pain while writing this. However, this shows that I love deeply and that’s okay. These emotions show that I am alive.

To my family: I know you were devastated when you received news that I almost took my own life. You knew I was sad, but you didn’t realize how deeply. You wonder why I didn’t tell you about my pain, but you are a part of the problem. We all have mental disorders, whether diagnosed or not: depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorders, high functioning autism, Asperger’s, bipolar disorder. It doesn’t have to run in the family for us to have these issues, and the world is not against us for developing them. A lot of our life has been pulled out of our control: losing our home, invading grandma’s home, relying on possessions for distractions, dad leaving our family, relying on Medicaid,  putting so much pressure on grandma as the sole provider, being confused about our feelings and actions, feeling like we are worthless because of our struggles, taking our pain out on each other, feeling hopeless, feeling like there is no way out. I want you to know that I understood why you did what you did, why you keep doing it, why you put me before yourselves, why you pushed me past my breaking points. and I never meant the hurtful words I gave you. I don’t hate you, I don’t think you are better off dead, I don’t think you hate me anymore. I want to be more involved with the family and I want us to heal together. I don’t want to leave you, I love you.

To my friends: To my previous best friends… I want you to know that as much as I love you, you have hurt me beyond belief. You made fun of me for whatever made me, me. You made me feel like your last priority. You would say things to me then do the opposite. I received so many empty promises. However, I don’t think you ever intended to hurt me. I think you were just so hurt yourselves that you could not truly see my way of life or me. I forgive you. I am sorry for expecting you to know how to handle my problems, and I’m sorry for triggering you in your times of need. I just can’t be held back anymore, and I am happy now. I’m sorry we didn’t work out, I just needed to let you go.

To the ones who support me no matter what stage of grief I am in – I am sorry for pushing you away or leaving without saying goodbye. I didn’t think you’d love me if I showed you my demons because I thought I was undeserving of love. I’m sorry for projecting if you felt I was, I didn’t mean to cause any pain. I understand why some called me names or threatened me. I understood why you had to leave me so that I could find myself. I understand that I relied too heavily on you to handle my problems when I couldn’t handle them myself. I’m sorry for expecting you to put me before yourself. Thank you for accepting me and loving me anyway. I love you more than words can describe, and I thank you for never judging me.

To my pet: Hi Ruby. I know you are a cat and you can’t read, but I feel like you know how I feel or what I need, even if you don’t completely understand. I’m sorry for yelling when you’d do something bad, I know it terrified you. I’m sorry for disciplining you too much for whatever the situation called for. I never physically hurt you, but I know I have mentally hurt you in the past. You have helped me so much since I’ve met you in August. I had to wait months to have you as my daughter, but you were so worth it. I want you to know that you are my angel, my light, my goddess. Thank you for all you have put up with and never holding it against me. I can’t even begin to describe my love for you, but I definitely show it every day. I can’t wait to see you once I come back to Ann Arbor.

To myself: Where do I begin. I never thought I’d have to write something like this or if I ever could. I’m sorry for expecting you to reach perfection. I’m sorry for succumbing to the negatives. I’m sorry for almost getting rid of you. I’m sorry for self-harming. I’m sorry for losing sleep. I’m sorry for never being able to sleep. I am sorry for blaming you for normal emotions. I’m sorry for believing what everyone said about me. I’m sorry for not sticking up for my feelings. I’m sorry for continuously putting you in toxic circumstances. I’m sorry for forgetting or ignoring your thoughts. I’m sorry for thinking you are disgusting. I’m sorry for thinking that you don’t have anything to give to this world. I’m sorry for never getting help, I didn’t know it existed. I’m sorry for ignoring my body, my needs and my wants. I’m sorry for not reaching out sooner. I’m sorry for everything. However, I forgive you. I forgive me. I am healing. I will prosper. Time will heal this pain. I’m ready to live my life. I can do this!