Balancing Ambition and Mental Health
As an Indian woman on a pre-med track, I can’t help but feel like my path is unoriginal. My dream had its built-in checkpoints‒if I just followed what other successful students did and worked my ass off over the semester, I’d be able to “make it.” But honestly, what the hell does making it even mean? If making it meant late-night study sessions at the Union, nervous breakdowns in the dingy Chem building before exams, little time for personal hobbies, and an overall sense of exhaustion just to feel some modicum of relief after getting an above-average grade in a class, then sure, I guess I’m making it.
Meritocracy prides itself on providing an equal opportunity for success ‒regardless of socioeconomic background, sex, age, and other factors. What meritocracy fails to consider though is the mental stress that it suffocates each student with. For instance, this semester I’m taking both Pchem and Physics 250. And while the instructors are great, having the exams scheduled back-to-back on the same days multiple times during the semester does little to make you feel like your time and well-being are valued. The instructors, of course, prefaced the course by exclaiming that the success of their students was important to them and to reach out if we were having any difficulty.
Well, I did reach out to my professor after our second exam. I mentioned that I was struggling with the exam schedule for both classes and was wondering if there could be an additional curve to help lower my overall stress. Unfortunately, my professor’s response did little to calm my overwhelmed state. In fact, it consisted of facts like the provost allows up to three finals on the same day and that the MCAT is 7 ½ hours long, so these back-to-back exams should be the least of my concerns because the demand would only get worse. His response not only made me feel invalidated but also shocked because suddenly the wholesome classroom the syllabus had proclaimed seemed fake. I don’t even blame my professor because interspersed with his sympathetic remarks were repetitive citations of the university’s policies since the faculty is expected to keep up this pretense of a meritocratic system. Any change to their grading policy would admit a weakness in the system- that my effort alone is not enough to determine my success in the class. Hence, the professor made it clear that ultimately I would just have to deal with it. I don’t want to just “deal with it” anymore. I’m so tired of letting my mental health take a hit each time I force myself to work a little harder, a little longer.
In college, the meritocratic environment revolves primarily around grades, creating a limited view of what success entails. After joining Mentality, my idea of success has slowly loosened its tether to grades and instead is aligning itself with taking care of my mental health and making time for activities I love, like dancing and reading, to remind myself that I’m a person, not just an accomplisher. It’s difficult to detach yourself from this system and not feel miserable about yourself when you don’t ace a class, especially when we’re taught to use our class performance as the yardstick for our future accomplishments. And if I’m being completely honest, I don’t know if I’m here writing about our traditional education system because I’m irritated it’s not rewarding me the way I expected it to or because I’m finally understanding what it’s like to see your worth as more than a few measly letters on a transcript.
To some people, this might feel like disguised groveling, but it’s more than that. Each time we talk about hard work and tell students that they’re only competing with themselves, we’re taught that messing up is your fault alone and that if you do mess up, well then it’s because you’re not working hard enough. I’m burnt out enough as it is, and this idea of meritocracy just sets up students for an unreachable standard of academic perfection. I hope that when administrators say that their school uses holistic admissions they mean it because this ‘meritocracy' system that we’re so dead set on utilizing will only hinder students’ potential-yes achievements are important, but your character says so much more as to who truly makes it.